She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
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Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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