it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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