Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
