I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i came on her dog
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
