I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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