my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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