I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
