id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
