My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
