I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I came so hard my ears popped.
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