I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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