should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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