Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
