We named our party play list daddy issues
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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