I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cannot find my penis.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
