that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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