My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
