Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
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