Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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