i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
