Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
