DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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