Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.