so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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