So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we're so committed to being not committed
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
