What did we do last night that was yellow?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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