I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
