I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
