Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
