You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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