census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm like, not good at living.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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