I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
