I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
