and you said cock pushups were impossible
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
