I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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