i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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