uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
