Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
