Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
