I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
