dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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