I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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