Pappa wants mamma naked
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
