i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
