Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
