Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
