she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize