There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
