Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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