Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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