we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
