Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
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my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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