You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
