I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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