This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
