Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
